Is This a Problem You Can Fix or One You Have to Learn to Live With?

By Monica Burford, LMFT

Have you ever felt like you've had the same type of conflict before, maybe dozens of times, same issue, same points of tension, and nothing changes? And somewhere in the back of your mind you're starting to wonder: Will it ever get better?

Most couples assume that every problem has a solution, that if they just found the right words, the right moment, or the right approach, they'd finally figure it out. So when a problem keeps coming back, it starts to feel like evidence that something is wrong in the relationship.

That assumption, that unresolved means unfixable, is one of the most damaging things couples carry into conflict.

What the research actually says

Gottman research shows that 69% of relationship conflict is due to perpetual problems, meaning that they are a result of differences in personality.

Only 31% of conflicts are solvable problems, issues with a specific resolution.

So if it feels like you've been having the same argument for years, you probably have.

And the reason it hasn't been resolved isn't a lack of effort. It's that you've been trying to solve something that isn't solvable.

The difference between solvable and perpetual problems

Solvable problems are situational — they have answers, such as who handles which household tasks, where to spend the holidays, or a one-time financial decision. These issues take compromise, but they are time-limited and not ongoing.

Perpetual problems are different. They're rooted in who each person fundamentally is, such as different needs for order versus flexibility, an introvert and an extrovert navigating how much social time they need, different relationships with money, one person who saves and one who spends, different parenting philosophies, or different sex drives.

These aren't communication failures. These are two different people.

Dan Wile, a couples researcher, put it simply: choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. When you choose someone, you're also choosing a particular set of perpetual problems. You don't avoid problems by finding a different partner. You trade one set for another — there is no relationship without them.

How to tell which one you're dealing with

A few signs it's a perpetual problem:

• You've had this conversation many times and keep getting stuck

• The topic feels loaded before it even starts

• One or both of you feels judged or criticized just for holding your views

• You thought you found a solution before, but the problem keeps coming back

  
  

Gottman calls the extreme version of this gridlock — when a perpetual problem becomes so entrenched that dialogue stops, when the conversation feels more painful than productive, or when both partners feel like they're being asked to give up something fundamental about who they are.

That's when a perpetual problem stops being something you manage together and starts feeling like a threat to the relationship.

The shift that changes everything

The goal with a perpetual problem is not to solve it, but to understand it and manage it.

Behind most entrenched positions is something deeper- a need, a value, a personal history, or what Gottman calls a life dream- something that matters not just because of this argument, but because of who your partner is and where they came from.

When you understand that, the conversation changes. Not because you suddenly agree, but because your partner feels understood instead of overruled, and that's what makes ongoing dialogue possible.

Instead of: "We need to figure this out once and for all." Try: "Help me understand why this matters so much to you."

And then actually listen. Not to find the flaw in their reasoning or build your counterargument, but to understand what's underneath.

Two questions that can open that conversation:

"What about this feels important?"

"Is there something about this that connects to something bigger for you?"

You'll often find that what looked like stubbornness was something much more personal, and once you see it, it's harder to dismiss.

Managing instead of resolving

The goal with a perpetual problem isn't resolution-it's management. Moving from a place where the topic shuts everything down, to a place where you can talk about it with some openness and maybe even some humor. Where you understand each other's position even if you don't share it. Where neither of you feels alone.

That doesn't mean you never feel frustrated. It means the problem no longer feels like a verdict on your relationship.

Some problems don't need to be solved — they need to be understood.

If you'd like to go deeper on conflict patterns, emotional regulation, and what change actually looks like in relationships, you can find more on my YouTube channel.